"[The role of the schoolmaster is to] collect little plastic lumps of human dough from private households and shape them on the social kneading board." - Edward Ross, Professor of Economics, Stanford University, 1900

The Good Toaster

by Duke Lukem

[This was a article I wrote for the school newspaper (which I'll never do again as they edited the shit out of it), basically cause I really wanted the toaster fixed, but also cause I'm not a huge fan of my school. I took out all the name references to my school, but if anyone's really interested, I can tell you whatever you want about this place, be it name or anything more in-depth.]

To all students: a question. Why does the "good toaster" in the dining center require two passes before the bagel actually toasts? Why has the student body sat idly by and let our perception of what “good” is become so perverted? In my younger days, I lit many a pop tart on fire by turning the dial completely to "darker". Yet our toaster is so defective that before the bagel can begin to brown, the conveyor speed must be set to "slowest" and the student must allot sufficient time for multiple passes if he or she desires to get to class on time. Moreover, a "line", usually in the form of an angry mob, develops during the twenty minutes before class starts, further increasing the time required for toasting. This is to say nothing about our "gimp toaster", which is so defunct that the number of passes required for any form of toasting has never actually been documented.

One disgruntled toaster said that if [the school] did not purchase bagels for one day, there would be enough money for a new toaster. Even excluding that option, if [the school] stopped pumping hot air into my room during April, we could afford a new toaster. Why then, do you ask, has [the school] not given us the best breakfast that our ass-load of tuition can buy? We are being brainwashed, my friends, brainwashed. [The school] has decided that it is in our best interests to be completely at the mercy of the toaster.

Parents have told or implied to each of us that an education is the way to go. We have been led to believe that our future is measured on the basis of the schools we will and are attending. This is where the brainwashing is truly visible.

Students throughout history have been notoriously quick to riot. To counteract that tendency, a defective toaster has been introduced to provide the students with a behavior model. If we, as students, want the perfection and success that is a perfectly toasted bagel, we must turn our backs on less productive toasters/schools (Public schools, [our school rival], etc.), and fight for a spot near the "good toaster" (us). Even then, no one is a beautiful or unique snowflake, and no matter how ambitious, creative, or determined one is, patience and diligence are required for any degree of toasting. If you question the toaster for even a second, then the opportunity for toasted goodness disappears. The mob pushes you away, and the student is suddenly on the outside, looking in, with nothing to do besides envy those with a warm breakfast. The message is clear. [The school] owns you. [This place], and [this place] alone, will dictate your terms of success and failure as it sees fit. One needs only look to the toaster to verify this truth.

During my childhood in 1917 Russia, it was perfectly fine to riot when we got a little hungry and couldn’t find any bread. Duckman led a rebellion in a small third world Latin American country when he discovered that use of the public toilets required a small fee. Our situation is much more dire. And the students are losing. Why did we not revolt when the school year began? Our bagels were just as under-toasted then as now. Why did we have to plead for a snow day? Students, think for yourselves. Take the classes you want. Do the homework that interests you. Free thinking was the spirit that led the great student rebellions of the past, and it is that spirit that [the school] has dedicated itself to quashing.

Please, boycott the toaster.

Written by: Duke Lukem
22 January 2004

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